That very first date

[Ewoud]

I wonder what your tips are on a first date.
Wen to have a first date, especially how fast.

I have found out that I really need to level with people first. Become familiar with their interests and with them, so that some solid common ground has been established before we meet.

Even though I can talk about a whole range of subjects in depth I totally get stuck in small-talk-situations so small talking my way through a first date would be a total failure.

I have also been in situations where it was “sex first”, so that you neither need to talk but that doesn’t give much of a base for a relationship and as I am sapio/demi-sexual it neither gives me satisfaction.

So taking time and getting familiar works best for me. Also connecting on a deeper level first because that superfluous level just doesn’t exist for me. I know that that can be found attractive too.

What works best for you?

[J.T.]

Never been on a date, so I don’t really have any idea, but from what I’ve gathered, dates typically happen earlier than I would like. I also want to get to know someone well before going on a date, but it seems like if you do that, you’ll get “friendzoned.”

[Ewoud]

My golden tip is…Use your (probably) aspie-directness and (possibly suppressed because that happens) honesty to tell things like how easy and good the connection feels if it feels good. Use compliments. Not standard ones. get the weird ones out. The ones they never have heard before but that is true. If you are really attracted to someones intelligence tell them that you feel attracted to their intelligence. Compliment on values and content rather than on the context. “Damn… I really feel attracted to you…” can be a good thing to say at the right moment but saying something like “There are not many people that manage to keep my attention while you just don’t seem to have any problem with that!” Or “You really seem to stimulate my brains” and so on… I am dead direct with stuff like that and I recon that that is the reason why I hardly had problems with ending up in the dreaded friend-zone. The best thing is to be Frank and spontaneous without really overdoing it. And the rest is just practice. I am like 26 years tan you are older. I’ve failed a lot. 😉

I’ve looked at your profile. You are an attractive guy so you should use your humor and be a little daring. Use your grammar skills to make witty puns that are juuuust on the edge. Be playful. Saying that which goes a little further and totally original catches the right girls or guys heart. Say “God.. I totally wonder what it would feel like to snuggle up to you!” If you are wondering about that… I used to be very careful in what I said, afraid to say the wrong thing, and I got friend-zoned. I mainly fall for women and most women don’t mind a man that is direct and frank. Often they find it refreshing and attractive. Being too nice lands you in the friend-zone, not the time you spend chatting…

Good luck J.T.

[Mr Robin]

Maybe that’s why I’ve had much trouble although I have a lot more trouble where I live than I have than some other places. It’s like girls here never seem attracted to me and whilst I would love to be direct to them, they are often so unapproachable and make me feel uncomfortable. People are very opaque here.

[Ewoud]

It is stressful and not a very good base for a relationship if you have to pull your reins all the time with your directness.

It is very local yes. I am from the Netherlands originally and then from the Northern part where people are pretty direct by nature. But here in Norway where I live most people go in hiding as soon as you are direct. But still… “Most is not all”. And people that know me well also know where it is coming from. They don’t see it as harmful but as honesty which can be appreciated.

At the end it all is about chemistry. You have of course more chance of connecting and feel understood on a deeper level here, which is also the reason for creating this site at https://www.aspie-singles.com People that communicate more or less the same, that have the same pitfalls, the same joys, add to that interests and sexual preferences and there you might have a beautiful match with someone that you can understand and stand and that might be able to stand and understand you and your quirks as well. 😉

[dregj]

stress is where we seem to live

[DragonEmbers]

Plan a short date for the first date. Short dates put less pressure on both parties and escape is easy if things go wrong. For example, meet for a drink instead of meeting for a whole meal.

Or just ask to hang out instead of asking for a date. That should be even less pressuring.

[GG]

It’s something I am still working on. One piece of advice I was given is that I should practice some of what I plan to say or ask when I am by myself. For me, sometimes I stumble over even the basics!

[Brad]

Here are a few things I’ve learned that made dating way easier (and a lot more fun). Hopefully, some of this helps you too.

The day before the date, write out some good questions or topics, keep them in your pocket (literally or mentally). If the conversation goes dry mid-date, excuse yourself to the bathroom, check your notes, and come back ready with 15 new things to talk about.

Put actual thought into these questions. Dates are noisy, unpredictable, under pressure. Do the heavy lifting ahead of time so you can just enjoy the moment. You’ll feel way more in control.

If you struggle with loud or overstimulating places (like I do), fine dining is a great workaround. Where I live, it’s about $30 per person for food, but worth it. You get a quiet, dimly lit environment included with meal. No birthday parties two tables over bashing a gong in celebration, no TVs blaring, just focused conversation. Totally worth it.

I’m in the same boat feeling out of sorts when the context isn’t clear what the date is. I can’t go on the date unless I have that information. Know where your coming from!

I’m not into the whole sex on the first date thing. I put a stop to that in my 20s. Just doesn’t do anything for me in that context, feels empty.
That said, I do follow the three-date rule. If there’s no physical connection by then, I move on. It’s important to set boundaries that make sense for you.

I used to rely on online dating profiles back when people actually filled them out. In the mid-2010s, those about me sections were gold. You could tell so much about someone before meeting up.

Now? It’s all blank profiles and emojis. It’s approaching 2026 and the tools are still gone. Honestly, I get more info from talking to someone in person now… and that’s the problem. It’s not enough! Lol.

I have a pretty strange dating test that works great.

I enjoy being humorous and goof during my time off, need to make sure I find energy that matches. This has been my play for 30 years.

During the date I’ll playfully shoot the straw paper off the straw on to the table so it bumps her arm (aim down so it hits the table first, then her arm).

That reaction is the test. If they glare across the table in judgment they failed the test. If they shoot one back, that’s who I’m looking for. If they just smile, they are at least polite, that’s good!

This test has treated me well. The three that passed, the relationships lasted more then a decade each. But, prepare for glare! That sounds like a meme.

If you don’t like going to new places, the stress of finding parking, traffic patterns and limited working memory etc. There is a work around.

Spend a day on google maps. Set a 20 mile radius. Pick places in all directions from your location, so where ever the date might land you have a spot picked out already, know how to get there, the parking situation, etc. You vet them ahead of time so you know the environment will be a present one. Invest in success.

Hopefully some of that helps. These little workarounds kept me sane.

[DragonEmbers]

The day before the date, write out some good questions or topics, keep them in your pocket (literally or mentally). If the conversation goes dry mid-date, excuse yourself to the bathroom, check your notes, and come back ready with 15 new things to talk about.

Spend a day on google maps. Set a 20 mile radius. Pick places in all directions from your location, so where ever the date might land you have a spot picked out already, know how to get there, the parking situation, etc.

That sounds like so much work. Good ideas for dating non-autistic people I guess, but the point of dating autistic people (for me at least) is to bypass stuff like this, for example, finding someone who is comfortable with silence during the date or straight-forward enough to just end the date if they can’t or don’t want to interact anymore. And the point of online dating is to show who we are ahead of time, so people who want us to be more talkative or continually going to new places skip us and we find someone more suitable.

Don’t you feel that artificially creating conversation like this is likely to backfire? If someone is not normally a chatty person, acting that way on a date is basically hiding one’s true self, which is not a good way to establish rapport.

Now? It’s all blank profiles and emojis.

This is actually a useful indicator: People who do not post anything about themselves are most likely a waste of time. Maybe they don’t take online dating seriously, maybe they don’t really know themselves, maybe they lack basic writing skills, maybe they are hiding their personality. Pass on all of them.

[Brad]

Hi DragonEmbers,

I understand your take and the reason you feel that way. The classification is exact, its the procedure for dating stereo typical people.

It does take a lot of work. For me that looks like putting the burner on ruminate for a few days and see what shakes loose. “Where ya from” leads to an answer. What are some of the things I should ask about the area? End result. Where ya from, school, hangout spots that were fun growing up. You’ll be provided a ton of things to talk about naturally.

You get to review the content. Vibe check it. Vs. well I better say something soon or this will be awkward and toss out a land mine by accident like any political thing at all. Whoops! All aboard the fail boat. This method allowed me to get through the door. From that vantage point they could see who I am and believe in me. Effort has value and it is perceived when you put in the work for the stereo typical person.

I had the opportunity to date someone on the spectrum for the first time a few years ago. We shared some of the same special interests, that was the most entertaining dates I’ve had. I felt really comfortable. Normally I’m putting on a performance. This was just fun.

Same favorite shows, games, hobbies, deep intellectual conversations. Also big on humor so our sides hurt! It was amazing. Finishing each others lines, etc. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel alone. Someone not only gets it but lives it.

Sadly that didn’t work out. There was trouble in areas that made her unsafe to be around, caught on early at least. Hope the next experience is absent that. If it wasn’t so severe I would have invested. But I saw a brief glimpse in to this dating landscape and what it could bring. Hope I get another opportunity.

What you said made me face a reality I’ve ignored for a while. I walked away 8 years ago. Two dates since (both on spectrum). That was the only reason I was interested. I’m where your at now, but I wasn’t always. The landscape changed, I only see value in this.

Hey thanks for the response. You helped me see things clearly.

[DragonEmbers]

It’s so nice to read a thoughtful reply on here; I wish other people would post.

Yeah trying to date non-autistic people is probably a huge waste of time and energy in many if not most cases, at least in the culture of the United States.

For me it was just barely manageable when I was young and people were more open-minded, but now it seems next to impossible, partially because I now know so much more about the differences between us and how insurmountable they are.

[Author]

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