Reply To: The difference between men and women with ASD in regards to sexual behavior…

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing the article, thought provoking!

What it had to say about greater sexual desire with men with ASD. I must agree. It has caused minor issues in dating when it comes to compatibility. Not matching energies in that area especially if you want to build something real with the person is not a foundation you can build from. The reason why perhaps some can relate.

It doesn’t communicate the reason in the article, wanted to touch on that. It’s a way to communicate love. It’s that simple. That drive comes from how you feel about the person. For me a hookup is empty and pointless, I’ll never chase it, because it’s absent everything that made it desirable. Absent love, no desire. The system keeps it’s self in check.

What it should of asked it. How does it make you feel when society says that’s all men want and your judged for it? Judged for love. That’s always been the context and how it’s landed for me and this wiring I got.

Anyway, In the early days of online dating filters were provided free that could match your energy there, or simply room to communicate on the profile. You could pick up what you needed to know from there. People used to fill out there profiles with useful information. Times have changed.

What the article had to say about women with ASD and having lower desire. I have a hard time agreeing with that. At least those with AuDHD lived experience I found them to match or even exceed my own.

While there are no statics I could find, I do have an experiment to prove the point I’d like to make. Next time you find yourself on a dating site, like tinder. Look for a woman with ASD that identifies as a cis-woman and straight. After your finished with that I think you’ll agree the article didn’t take in to account the other type of relationships as that’s been my majority finding so far.

One to what you said

I am inherently unattractive being a man with ASD. I am sad that I didn’t realize this sooner, but I can be happy that I am still young. I may or may not die alone, but I can’t think about it too much because there’s only so much that I can do to control that.

This hit me different, and I wanted to share something that might help.

Yes, we all have blind spots and social struggles, but I don’t agree that being lonely or single is just because of that. I’ve lived it. This isn’t a “you problem” or a “condition problem” it’s the times we’re in.

Back in the day, online dating was simple. It usually took me 5-7 messages to land a date. For context, I was an obese autistic guy 300 lbs and still, every handful of messages led to a date. That effort got me three relationships that lasted over 30 years combined.

Fast forward to 2018. I re-entered the dating scene, this time physically fit and with my life together. I figured the old formula would still work, maybe even better.

Here’s reality:
I spent two hours a day, every day, messaging for five years. By the old ratio, I should’ve had around 730 dates. Actual result? Two.

Date #1: She was attractive, but casually mentioned she had another date later that night and another tomorrow. I instantly knew I was just a number. I stayed polite but checked out.

Date #2: Just not compatible

When you break it down, that’s 1,850 hours invested per date. And this is coming from someone who owns a home, has a solid career, and has his life together. Made no mention of being on the spectrum. Just approaching it normally. It’s that bad, your not doing anything wrong.

Two years ago, I walked away. Not because I don’t want love but because I realized asking over and over again was draining my self-respect. And that matters more than anything. You have to live with yourself at the end of the day. There’s nothing wrong with leaving the door open by having a profile.

The truth? If times were the same or If any of us were dating back then, it wouldn’t have been hard to find someone. At the very least, you’d actually get to go on a date. But things have changed.

Nature wires us to pair up, but it didn’t prepare us for this kind of unnatural landscape. That’s why your worth can’t be measured by whether you have a partner. And if you look at where things are headed, it’s clear it’s only going to get harder.

It sucks being alone, no question. Everyone wants someone to love. But the most important step is loving yourself first. Once you do that, if someone comes along it’s a bonus, not the foundation. That’s the lesson I took from the changing of the times. It’s ok not to have the answer on what to fill that space with. But knowing your interests,some rabbit holes can fill up a lot of that space. You can make it work for you. Hope that was helpful and sorry for being so long winded.