Asperger Dating – Love and friendship on the spectrum › Forums › Dating with Asperger’s › Trying to emerge from loneliness
18/05/2017 at 3:54 am #5214
Hello, I am new to this site. Actually, I have been searching on an online dating site to no avail. I don’t seem to relate to many of the profiles. I did manage to go on a date, but it didn’t work out. My date gave me the hint when she starting yawning. I am terrible with small talk and I am shy at first.
Actually, I didn’t join this site with the sole intention of dating. I wanted to meet people who understand what it’s like to have Aspergers. Most people think of me as being very intelligent but introverted. I don’t know anyone with Aspergers, so I am excited to meet people here that understand the challenges I have endured. Loneliness is a difficult pill to swallow. Anyway, I look forward to meeting you.20/05/2017 at 5:39 am #5242
I don’t have any advice for you, really. I usually simply distract myself by delving into the subjects I like to study in math. However, that doesn’t work forever because eventually you do realize that you’re alone and have been alone for years. Perhaps you can make friends on this site. I personally haven’t. I wish you the best.22/05/2017 at 12:51 am #5277
Thanks for your reply. I always find myself deeply immersed in my hobbies – more like obsessed. I think that is a common trait among people with Aspergers. But it seems like a human instinct to be social. And so yields my feelings of loneliness. I had many friends which I met in college, but, over the years, those relationships have fizzled out. I really don’t understand Aspergers. I know the “symptoms,” but I have trouble understanding why very intelligent people cannot make small talk. Sometimes things seem hopeless. I feel as if I were imprisoned in my own mind. But, I need to push forward. I don’t know anyone with Aspergers, so I have no one to relate to. On of the main reasons I joined this forum is to learn how others with Aspergers cope with such feelings.22/05/2017 at 6:22 am #5278
I can empathise. I find it way easier to enjoy myself with my projects and interests than with other people, but still other people are important to me. What helped me loads is to learn over the years not to be too bothered about not being able to small-talk. The thing is. We like real conversations right? Those usually come over time. Small talk is just for people that don’t know what to say so they fill silence with it. My brain just doesn’t work that way and that is totally fine. We aren’t all the same.
My advice is that you could try not to be too bothered about the fact that you don’t have so much to say. But there is one more thing you could do. I don’t see your hobbies/ interests in your profile (I expect that you play guitar though… ;), but what you could try to do is to find some club where people have the same hobbies as you do. That makes it easier to relate to others and gives you a topic to talk about. Or maybe try to find people to play together with. And the focus doesn’t really need to be to make friends but to share something you enjoy doing with others. That’s nice for others and it is nice for you.
We aspies have to face the fact that we aren’t that good with social situations and crowds and such, but smaler social settings are ok. They take little time to get familiar with so that is a small step, but it is helpful too. Once you find your place it will be easier and rewarding.
Also. I think it is easy to just think “partnering up with someone” if one is single. But I think (even though I built this site) that a healthy focus can also be “friendships”. Finding people you resonate with. Both male and female.It’s easier to find and accept friends who understand how you are while you understand them. There are some others not too far away from you on this site, so why not contact them to see if they feel like hanging out.
Just thinking of solutions. The best solutions you find yourself in your own situation if you manage to think outside of the box and maybe even a small step outside of your comfort zone because staying in there makes the rest of the world increasingly more uncomfortable I have found out. So for me it is best to push myself a bit every now and again too…
I hope some of this helps.
Greetings and good luck,
Ewoud22/08/2017 at 8:03 pm #5310
Hello I just found out a while ago that I am asperger. It hasnt been easy before and now I am looking for orientation and the light to follow.
Greetings22/08/2017 at 9:58 pm #5312
Welcome Essie, I recently discovered I have Asperger’s as well. It was a difficult journey for me as well since my former doctors were treating for everything but Asperger’s. But at least I know now and my life makes much more sense. Most people have never even heard of Asperger’s. I myself have never heard of it until a therapist brought it up a couple of years ago. Consequently, most people do not understand or cannot relate to Asperger’s. This is why I started this thread. Having Asperger’s has lead me to a lonely life. I had many college friends with whom I have lost contact. I found making new friends difficult. I have become so self conscience over the years, that when I do meet someone new, I become very nervous and the situation becomes awkward. In any case, I am at the beginning of the learning curve. So now I have a starting point, that is, managing my anxiety. Most people regard me as a nice person but quiet and reserved. But I feel that I am more than that.
Well I am glad that you replied to this thread. The activity here is not as vibrant as I had hoped, but it’s a start. I have to admit that I haven’t spent the amount of time here as I should. I have yet to complete my profile. In any case, feel free to reply and become active. Loneliness can be tough. I believe humans are social creatures by nature. And maybe this is what brings us here – to be social – despite the fact we Asperger’s. But also note we are all individuals, so Asperger’s can manifest itself in many ways and in many people.
BTW, I have no idea why my avatar image appears as a series of 0’s and 1’s. Going to have to look into that.30/09/2017 at 12:42 am #5325
Aspie in AlabamaParticipant
I understand where you are coming from. I’ve always had that feeling of being imprisoned inside myself, though I was not diagnosed until 2013. I’m trying to emerge from depression too. I had MTHFR mutations that were impairing my metabolization of folic acid and production of neurotransmitters. I take methyfolate now. I’ve tried to convince myself that the monastic life is my future, but both the emotional need to love and be loved and my needs as a woman are too strong. I’m terrified of being hurt and tell myself it is too late, but maybe I ought to give things oneone more try among my own kind.28/10/2017 at 1:06 pm #5330
Well, I have no advice. I have no suggestions. What I have done in my life has forced me to communicate with others and keep my anxiety problems in check without medication. But anyway, something that helped me improve my communication skills and talk to other humans was the job I still have. I came back to my country and needed a job. I stumbled on getting a job as a teacher. I basically forced myself to be in front of people. What helped me cope apart from the need to get a paycheck was watching a lot of stand up comedians. I must admit, I am an amazing chameleon and I do mimic behaviour to help me establish an initial connection. Though, my natural traits do show up and it does make people uncomfortable so I just walk around with the “flag” of being a nasty or mean person. This minimizes the backlash when I say things that are not filtered which would normally be filtered by someone who is NT. I did have to leave a job because of my aspie brain once.
Also, there was a time where I used online games to help me communicate with others. I so force myself to talk to others even if this feeling comes in waves. I had an NT friend once but I realized that I hated the way he behaved. I found him and his choices eventually disgusting and vile so I had to end the friendship or what at least I called friendship. Now I am interested in making new friends apart from my boyfriend. He has many friends and I would like to have some too.
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