A cautionary tale

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    I thought I would take the time to share a cautionary tale, and you may derive from it what you will.

    A few months ago I was TAing a gen chem lab at my school and ran across a wonderful fellow aspie for the purposes of this story I will call Amanda.

    At the end of the semester, I sent her an email asking her out for a meal, literally because I wanted to get to know her better. Plus the last day of class had been her birthday and it looked like she was going to have spent it alone. I believed at the time that I was going to be leaving the institution and moving completely to the other side of the state. She was hesitant, asked if I had any romantic intention, and I honestly answered NO, I just wanted to get to know her a bit better as I thought she was an interesting person.

    So we went out to inner, things went well and we started corresponding via email. Turns out we had very similar well, everything, well except for a few adaptations, for example I am demi and she was actively sexual though rarely. And while I typically sought emotional intimacy, she sought to avoid such, basically I still suspect she substitutes her routine sexual encounters for the same thing I use emotional intimacy for, but that is neither here nor there.

    Point is I had found what I really believed (and honestly still do so that is why this hurts so much) a kindred spirit. I had been repeatedly molested and groomed, so had she, we were looking at similar fields of study, similar path times, similar music and reading tastes, similar music tastes, close enough religious persuasions, similar intellect I mean I had found the perfect companion for life or so I thought. But I am demi, and I have not even dated anyone in over 20 years. You can see what the problem is already right?

    I mean we talked about everything. And I even started talking to her about the possibility of me starting to date someone. That someone however, was not going to be her, and I knew that, she did not want emotional intimacy, I really did not need physical intimacy (22 years does the equipment even still work, dunno don’t really care unless I am in a relationship and I still am not)

    But damnit I am demi. So what started out as generic talks about dating and me trying to figure out how to start doing so, started to turn into thoughts of me wanting to date her. Actually more than that, since because of my background and theological persuasion, we simply do not date. But I knew it would not work, so I tried to put up walls to stop my stupid demi side from cropping up and ruining what could be a great companionship for the next 40 years.

    But my walls were crumbling and I knew it. SO in the words of Baldric I hatched a cunning plan. See I have PTSD on top of everything else. And because of the way my PTSD works I happen to know when the 2 worst weeks of the year are for me and one of them was coming up. Here was my plan, and it is as foolish in hindsight as you will probably see it now.

    My plan was to basically take the week between my birthday and the anniversary of my sister’s death, when my PTSD is at its worst, my own self confidence and self worth are at their lowest, and when my paternal and over bearing reactions are at their highest and do the following: Rip down my non romantic walls, fall madly and completely in love with this girl, (wait it gets better) see that she is not responding because I was actually going to try and avoid her during this time, get my heart broken and get the walls back up in about 7-10 days.

    Yep. I tried to plan to cram an entire crush on what is as close to an ideal female as I have ever met (for me) and the recovery time down into a week to a week and a half. Oh and I was going to try and do it all without her noticing.

    Have I mentioned I am an idiot yet?

    Here is the problem, well two fold: First I really did not take her feelings into account about this, after all it was supposed to be out of sight. And two I had gotten very used to telling her everything anyways. Oh and a third problem. Apparently some of my emails got stuck and she did not see the ones where I admitted to planning all of this before I started. Every time I mentioned something about it she came across ambivalent, said I was being silly and did nothing to try and stop me. Well of course she did not try and stop me the email s that I thought se was getting she did ot get till later. Heck at one point I even said to her, I do not think you are getting everything I am sending to you and she assured me she was (she was not as it turns out as I was right).

    So I pressed on. But things were bothering me. Of course they were bothering me I was making he deliberate choice to fall in love with someone I knew was not romantically compatible (though in every other way she was) and I did not have her permission. I was basically constructing a deliberate fantasy world where could have my crush, get my heart broken, throw back up the walls and move on. After all I wanted the emotional intimacy and the companionship. No pun intended but screw the romance. I have not dated for decades. I just wanted her for her personhood, her thoughts, her advice, her experience, her everything else.

    The following things I find most bitter pills:

    First I hurt the person I least wanted to hurt and I hurt them in the very way that I wanted to protect them from ever being hurt again.

    Second, I managed to succeed in my goal of suppressing my romantic intention. She will likely never know that because I drug her directly through the mire I was supposed to be avoiding. Not that it would have justified my action in any way, but had she never been aware of it, it would have been a complete success. Understand that success does not justify bad action. I am only saying it adds to the bitterness.

    Third, this situation could end me professionally and completely. Because of my beliefs I have to not only admit my sin, but I must repent and seek reconciliation. Obviously my very presence causes Amanda pain and suffering, though I did try before I was made aware of how much damage had been done. How could that end me professionally? Simple. My advisors could dismiss me from my research program for not following their honest request to avoid any future contact with Amanda (and I am avoiding contact with her, but again my religious beliefs make certain requirements) so I have to make contact with her relative, in this case a parent, (Just a note lest someone get the wrong idea with things, Amanda is in her 20’s). Someone outside of my religious background (though hers is very similar) could view such a contact not s one of restitution, penitence and seeking forgiveness for harm and might see it as nefarious, self seeking and manipulative, basically: stalkerish. While I can honestly say it is the first and not the second, the person I will be contacting is her mother; and mothers, especially good ones like hers, are bears when it comes to their children, regardless of age and religious persuasion. So if they so choose, they could press to have me dismissed, that would not allow me to graduate and I would be professionally ended. Actually the way I feel now, that might be just punishment.


    Take it easy. Flow.

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