I understand where you are coming from. I’ve always had that feeling of being imprisoned inside myself, though I was not diagnosed until 2013. I’m trying to emerge from depression too. I had MTHFR mutations that were impairing my metabolization of folic acid and production of neurotransmitters. I take methyfolate now. I’ve tried to convince myself that the monastic life is my future, but both the emotional need to love and be loved and my needs as a woman are too strong. I’m terrified of being hurt and tell myself it is too late, but maybe I ought to give things oneone more try among my own kind.