Trying to emerge from loneliness

This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Ewoud Ewoud 1 month ago.

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  • #5214
    Profile photo of 6strings
    6strings
    Participant

    Hello, I am new to this site. Actually, I have been searching on an online dating site to no avail. I don’t seem to relate to many of the profiles. I did manage to go on a date, but it didn’t work out. My date gave me the hint when she starting yawning. I am terrible with small talk and I am shy at first.
    Actually, I didn’t join this site with the sole intention of dating. I wanted to meet people who understand what it’s like to have Aspergers. Most people think of me as being very intelligent but introverted. I don’t know anyone with Aspergers, so I am excited to meet people here that understand the challenges I have endured. Loneliness is a difficult pill to swallow. Anyway, I look forward to meeting you.

    #5242
    Profile photo of Frank
    Frank
    Participant

    I don’t have any advice for you, really. I usually simply distract myself by delving into the subjects I like to study in math. However, that doesn’t work forever because eventually you do realize that you’re alone and have been alone for years. Perhaps you can make friends on this site. I personally haven’t. I wish you the best.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Profile photo of Frank Frank.
    #5277
    Profile photo of 6strings
    6strings
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply. I always find myself deeply immersed in my hobbies – more like obsessed. I think that is a common trait among people with Aspergers. But it seems like a human instinct to be social. And so yields my feelings of loneliness. I had many friends which I met in college, but, over the years, those relationships have fizzled out. I really don’t understand Aspergers. I know the “symptoms,” but I have trouble understanding why very intelligent people cannot make small talk. Sometimes things seem hopeless. I feel as if I were imprisoned in my own mind. But, I need to push forward. I don’t know anyone with Aspergers, so I have no one to relate to. On of the main reasons I joined this forum is to learn how others with Aspergers cope with such feelings.

    #5278
    Profile photo of Ewoud
    Ewoud
    Keymaster

    Hi,

    I can empathise. I find it way easier to enjoy myself with my projects and interests than with other people, but still other people are important to me. What helped me loads is to learn over the years not to be too bothered about not being able to small-talk. The thing is. We like real conversations right? Those usually come over time. Small talk is just for people that don’t know what to say so they fill silence with it. My brain just doesn’t work that way and that is totally fine. We aren’t all the same.

    My advice is that you could try not to be too bothered about the fact that you don’t have so much to say. But there is one more thing you could do. I don’t see your hobbies/ interests in your profile (I expect that you play guitar though… ;), but what you could try to do is to find some club where people have the same hobbies as you do. That makes it easier to relate to others and gives you a topic to talk about. Or maybe try to find people to play together with. And the focus doesn’t really need to be to make friends but to share something you enjoy doing with others. That’s nice for others and it is nice for you.

    We aspies have to face the fact that we aren’t that good with social situations and crowds and such, but smaler social settings are ok. They take little time to get familiar with so that is a small step, but it is helpful too. Once you find your place it will be easier and rewarding.

    Also. I think it is easy to just think “partnering up with someone” if one is single. But I think (even though I built this site) that a healthy focus can also be “friendships”. Finding people you resonate with. Both male and female.It’s easier to find and accept friends who understand how you are while you understand them. There are some others not too far away from you on this site, so why not contact them to see if they feel like hanging out.

    Just thinking of solutions. The best solutions you find yourself in your own situation if you manage to think outside of the box and maybe even a small step outside of your comfort zone because staying in there makes the rest of the world increasingly more uncomfortable I have found out. So for me it is best to push myself a bit every now and again too…

    I hope some of this helps.

    Greetings and good luck,

    Ewoud

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